Radiate Positivity: Your Influence is Greater than You Realize

Two months ago my baby cousin, Debbie died. I say baby because I am the oldest in our family and she was eleven years younger than me. She died under two months of turning 60 from a nasty cancer, multiple myeloma. I wanted to honor her life in some way because she was my angel cousin and fought with every fiber of her being to win her battle against cancer. Despite fear, worry and pain she kept showing up with the best attitude she could summon. And then it hit me! Amidst her struggles she sent me uplifting gifs (messages on pretty backgrounds) for me to share to inspire others. When I looked back on our texts, I discovered she sent me 68 inspirational quotes from 2020 to 2022! To honor Debbie, I decided to post one a day on Facebook for 68 days. Day 17 struck me as a message to explore. On a background looking like sun rays it read: RADIATE POSITIVITY.  

I asked myself what is the underlying importance of radiating positivity? The underpinnings of it are the strongest motivating force in my life. Something we don’t usually give thought to.

You Influence Far More than You May Fathom

Maybe it was growing up in an extended family where words could wound or make you glow. Maybe it was appreciating and striving to be like the positive role models in my life. And maybe it was being a teacher and mother and seeing the evidence right in front of my eyes. How my recognition of children’s strengths helped them move through their lives more confidently. I realized my thoughts, words and actions had impact.

Each of us have impact, whether we realize it or not. As poet Mary Oliver says in her inspiring line, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Choice. It’s such a big thing. As a growing developing person, we each choose personal aspirations. Dreams and goals we wish to actualize. But there’s more. We are part of communities. Communities that start with our family. Our neighbors. Our friends. Our co-workers. Strangers. How do we want to use our one wild and precious life as a person who influences everyone we come in contact with?

Radiate Positivity

My cousin Debbie would say, “Radiate Positivity.” Such a simple thing that we are in great need of right now in our country and world. We can be a source of uplift wherever we are with a smile. When I do my morning walks and I see someone across the street I make eye contact and smile. I feel gratified when I see my smile spread to their face as well. A simple thing like a smile makes us feel connected and less alone. It radiates positivity.

Taking the opportunity to uplift a step further, our words have such an impact on others. My husband, Gus is taking an art class pursuing a hobby he’s long been interested in. He brings home a canvas of a lake scene in lovely blues, and yellows and greens. I comment on how his trees are reflected so well in the water. How the shading of the grasses gives dimensionality. He beams. I speak my words to encourage and flame his passion. Our dear friends Ira and Diane are moving across the country. When we have a going away dinner for them, in a toast I affirm them as a couple and as individuals to let them know how much they are valued. Everyone else chimes in and the good feelings are palpable in the laughter and smiles. Expressed feelings radiates positivity.

How much better our world would be if we each recognized the gift of our humanity to be a positive influence in the world. I will tell you each time I make someone’s day with an affirming word, a smile, letting someone in my traffic lane, lending a caring listening ear, I feel happier and more worthwhile.

It’s never too late to be a positive influence. It’s a choice we get to make in every present moment we’re in the company of others. So I say choose to radiate positivity! Our world needs it now desperately!

Your Takeaways

1.     Every morning and every interaction is an opportunity to set an intention to choose to be a positive influence and radiate positivity.

2.     Before you speak or act get into the habit of asking yourself, will this statement add to or take away from the person?

3.     A smile, a positive thought, a kind action spreads positive energy.

4.     Recognizing our positive impact in the world also reminds us our life has value.

5.     To immerse yourself in the mindset of radiating positivity I encourage you to read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. I wrote it as my legacy to help others find greater love and joy in their relationships by sharing their positive thoughts and feelings more freely.

With Thanksgiving around the corner, why not choose to use your one wild and precious life to radiate positivity to your loved ones and all!

If you know someone who could benefit from this blog please do share. Together we can radiate positivity!

The Value of Deep Listening: 5 Tips to Hone Your Skills

Recently I attended the funeral of a dear man from my writing group. I knew Bob as someone who was passionate about specific moments in history. His most recent book about the Revolutionary War, would amaze us with the voices of young minutemen recounting battles from their hospital beds. I also experienced Bob as kindhearted, but it was his grandson’s eulogy that was a revelation.

Standing at a podium in his gray suit and studious looking glasses, the young man said, “I have such fond memories of tinkering with my grandfather. Yet the thing about him that changed me the most, was the way he listened to me.”  Honestly, that statement alone took my breath away. I leaned in to listen more closely.

“When I was around 13 my grandfather started asking me what I wanted to do with my life. We’d be sitting outside his tool shed in the yard and he’d ask me questions. Then listen. I mean really listen. With his full attention. Then he’d probe what I was saying further. I felt so heard. I felt so cared for by him. And this wasn’t once, it was time and time again and again. The way my grandfather listened to me bonded us beyond words. And it made me the person I am today.”

Wow, I thought. What a grandfather Bob was, and what a testament to the value of deeply listening.

Why Become Aware of the Gift of Listening

Just like humor that I wrote about last month, listening is something we do as naturally as breathing. We’re human. People speak words to us, our ears hear the words, and our minds interpret them. But there’s something more. It’s also hearing with our hearts that matters. As the story of Bob and his grandson shows, listening fully to the people we care about can actually be life changing.

All of us just want to be heard. When someone listens to us with their full attention, we feel cared for and validated. Who of us doesn’t want that? It makes us feel recognized. It gives us the message that our thoughts matter. That we matter.

As with Bob’s grandson, talking through one’s dreams, concerns, issues, plans and more, helps the speaker gain clarity and direction. And what’s more, its bonding. The people in our life who deeply listen to us without judgment, with an open heart, are the people we trust and want to spend time with. So how do we become that kind of listener?

How to Listen Deeply

1.     Listen to understand, not fix.

Training as a life coach has helped me tremendously to hone my skills as a listener. The very first thing we learned was not to be a “fixer.” What that means is that when other people unload their thoughts and feelings to us about something they’re having difficulty with they don’t want us to give them a solution. Most of us assume when someone shares a problem with us our role is to give them a solution. NO! As one of my clients clearly stated about what she wanted when she was speaking to her husband, “I just want him to listen and show me that he understands what I’m feeling. He is telling me solutions. I don’t want solutions, I want to be heard.”

2.     Empathize, summarize or paraphrase what they said to show you understand.

As my client said, she just really wanted to know her husband understood her feelings. Something like, “I can understand why you’re feeling so stressed out.” Or paraphrasing like, “So you’re saying since your coworker got another job, you’ve been doing double duty and it’s just too much.” We all deal with so much in a day. Having someone hear and understand us is like peeling off a twenty-pound backpack.

3.     Don’t hijack the conversation.

Do you ever tell someone about something going on in your life and then it becomes about them? Instead of listening to you, they spin out a whole story of how something similar happened to them. That’s hijacking the conversation. Stop yourself in your tracks if you see your own hijack bubbling to the surface!

4.     Give your full nonjudgmental attention

This means looking into the other’s eyes or face and returning your focus to them each time it drifts. It’s about listening without interrupting.  Giving your full attention activates your heart and intuition to understand the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and experience. Again, isn’t that what we want from others?

5.     Be curious, ask questions to learn more.

What people really want is to come to their own answers. Each of us have the deep inner knowing of what is true for us and what are our next steps. We just need help accessing it. When we listen to someone trusting that they have their own answers, we will be curious to learn more. By asking questions as Bob did with his grandson, we help the other person uncover their own next steps. Deep listening is empowering for the speaker. And we can gain so much understanding of them and ourselves in the process. Most of what any of us struggle with is universal.

We have opportunities to listen throughout every day. Practice and intention enable us to grow and improve. Why not choose to begin improving with one of these listening skills!

Connect with me! I am available as a speaker and coach. Do you have some issues you’d like greater clarity on so you can take action? I offer a free 1-hour introductory coaching session. Check out my website www.uppcoach.com or email me at gail@uppcoach.com

Loving Laughter: Good for You, Good for Your Relationships

“
When humor exists love is not far behind.
”

— Michael Lewis

Recently I was in a workshop on Humor and Coaching, and I haven’t stopped thinking or talking about it all month! Of course, laughing feels good. When my husband Gus or son Theo, good naturedly tease me, I laugh and feel more alive in the moment. But I never thought of laughter as a beneficial habit. Who thinks of laughter as being valuable to our well-being like meditating, exercise, or a good night’s sleep?

Not only does laughter feel good, but it also supports us in the most fundamental of ways: our health, our mindset, and our relationships. Kind of like a vitamin or a pill, but without any negative side effects—laughter releases “happy hormones.” Maybe you’ve heard of some of them, but do you understand how important they are to counteract our “stress hormones” and function more fully?

Getting to Know the Goodies and the Baddies

The Baddies first:

Stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline, norepinephrine) exist to help us. They alert us to danger (or cause for worry) by increasing our heart rate and blood pressure. Unfortunately, because so much of life is filled with moments of anxiety and stress, especially now since the pandemic, those hormones can constantly flood our bodies. The result? Disrupted sleep, anxiety and depression, memory impairment, heart disease and more.

The Goodies or “Happy Hormones” to the Rescue:

The great news is our bodies are so amazingly designed that we have more good hormones to counteract the baddies.

Dopamine or the feel-good hormone is the one that supports our memory, learning, focusing, and expanded thinking for problem solving. It enables us to see a situation in a new light.

Serotonin or the happy hormone is also known as the mood stabilizer. It can help us with healthy sleep patterns and mood boosting as well as other physical functions.

Oxytocin or the love hormone is present in our bodies during childbirth, breastfeeding, and parent-child bonding. It helps promote trust, empathy, and bonding in relationships. Its also increases with physical affection, kissing, cuddling and sex.

Endorphins or the pain relievers are also known as the runner’s high hormone. Endorphins increase when we’re having a pleasurable experience such as, a good work out, doing a creative rewarding project, eating, or having sex.

And the delight is, laughing, a chuckle, or a deep belly laugh, releases all the good hormones!

Uplifting Laughter

The great news is—laughter is free medicine! It’s available to us anytime of day, any day of the week, whether we’re alone or with others. It’s a way of looking at life. Looking for what’s fun, silly, surprising, unexpected, ridiculous, quirky and letting loose with a smile and a belly laugh.

“Look for opportunities to be delighted rather than disappointed,” say Stanford University School of Business professors Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas in their TedTalk, “Why Great Leaders Take Humor Seriously.”

Their advice makes me think of my friend Helaine. In the winter she slipped on her doorstep and broke her lower back. She was in severe pain for two months before she had surgery and has now been in rehab and extended care for three months. She is in a wheelchair and has not yet regained her mobility. A very frustrating situation for my active friend. A couple of days ago I called to check on her.

“How are you, Helaine?”

“Well, I haven’t had PT (Physical Therapy) all week,” she said matter of factly.

“That’s awful. Did you speak up about it?”

“Yes. I got in my wheelchair and went to speak to the director. I told him my story and he said, ‘Helaine, I know. We’re so short staffed. There’s nothing I can do about it.’”

“Did you get upset?”

“No. We both just laughed.”

I was blown away. That’s not like my friend to see the humor in a frustrating situation. “You laughed? How wonderful!” Seeing the humor in the ridiculousness of these pandemic times where there just aren’t people to work, enabled her to keep her calm and creatively problem solve. She decided it was time to go home, where she could get the services she needed. Humor gave her mental distance to shift her perspective and uplift her mindset.

Be Intentional with Humor

Anatomy of an Illness by Norman Cousins is an impactful book about the benefits of intentional humor. When Cousins discovered he had an irreversible connective tissue disease he created a unique healing approach to extend his life. He would watch comedy shows that were side-splitting funny for 10 minutes at a time. He found deep belly laughs gave him two hours pain free. He went on to create laughter therapy which enabled him to live twenty years beyond his doctor’s prognosis.

Knowing how good laughter and humor is for our well-being, how do we intentionally bring it into our day-to-day lives? I asked myself that question and came up with this list of laughing opportunities:

o   Playfulness: I’m open to others being playful with me and joking about the quirky things I say and do (especially my husband and son.) As Relationship expert John Gottman says in his book, The Relationship Cure, when we approach our significant others with good humor, we have a full supply of goodwill and affection handy during disagreements. This of course applies to any relationship.

o   Laughing at myself, like when things don’t go as planned.

o   Looking with eyes of appreciation for the silliness or quirkiness of the people I interact with.

o   Joining in with others’ belly laughs. Laughter is contagious.

o   The comical on TV or in books: especially late-night TV hosts; shows like Mrs. Maisel, The Gilmore Girls, Grace and Frankie.

What’s funny to you?

As Aaker and Bagdonas say, “Laughing is like exercising, meditating, and having sex at the same time!”

Why not make humor a part of your healthy lifestyle?

Looking for more humor in your life? I’m offering a free one-hour coaching session any time in the month of May. One of the side benefits may be more laughter! Contact me at gail@uppcoach.com