““Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.””
My husband Gus and I just finished watching the Netflix series Last Tango in Halifax. The jumble of thoughts and good feelings I am left with inspire me to explore the messiness of relationships. Ooh, can they be messy!
The two main characters, Celia and Alan in their mid-seventies, are widowed childhood sweethearts who are reunited via Facebook after over fifty years thanks to the prompting of their grandchildren. It gets interesting when they marry and their very different and complex families are joined together. (Alan’s only daughter is a survivor of abuse and a sheep farmer, Celia’s is an Oxford-educated principal of a private school, recently out as a lesbian.) There’s a little of everything—unfaithfulness, homosexuality, interracial relationships, teenage pregnancy, past physical abuse, and alcoholism. All that messiness on top of differences of age, stages of life, wealth, personality styles, and politics. But here’s the thing, that’s merely the backdrop. What’s really intriguing is how all these relationships seem to work with moments of laughter and joy despite their issues and differences.
Embrace Your Loved Ones
The glue, the magic that make all this possible—is that they embrace one another.
Ah, embrace. How do we embrace family, friends, our spouse, a partner, siblings, our children, or co-workers when we can be so different from one another and downright disagreeable at times?
I’m thinking of my husband Gus’s big (not fat) Greek family. Our backgrounds are polar opposite. I was the first non-Greek to come into their family which wasn’t easy. They came from a small Greek mountain village to Perth Amboy, I came from Brooklyn to the NJ suburbs. Some family members spout political beliefs that make me cringe, and I’ve received a number of insulting remarks over the years. But I come back. I go to every holiday gathering. Why? They are an extension of my husband. I embrace them as part of embracing Gus. I look beyond the harder parts to what’s good. I love being part of a huge family who cook amazing Greek food. They’re animated, jovial, and each sister in her own way has been kind and embracing of me. And here’s another piece: Gus has offered the same acceptance of my family. As wonderful as most of them are, there have been a couple who have been torture for him to deal with.
Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness
1. Own your own imperfections. Yes. Remind yourself that whatever traits or behaviors you find annoying in family and friends, you have your own share. It’s become a mantra for me, if I comment on a negative trait in another, I follow with ‘and I know I’m not perfect either.’ (Thank God!) Acceptance of others is rooted in acceptance of ourselves. We’re all human.
2. Focus on the good in others. It’s human nature to see what’s wrong and what’s missing with others. But we can make an intentional mindshift and focus on what’s good in the people in our life to bring so much more good energy to our relationships. Relationship expert, John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, says that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is a 5 to 1 balance between positive and negative interactions in the relationship. I find I feel better about the people in my life if I think about what I appreciate about them. And it makes it even better when I affirm them and let them know my good feelings.
3. Admit when you’re wrong and make amends. We all screw up, say things we shouldn’t and wish we hadn’t. Own up to it when you do, it keeps the door open in your relationships.
4. Create rituals to connect and be together. In Last Tango in Halifax what moved me was the way the families came together for dinners and celebrations despite their disagreements. For happy or sad occasions and holidays we get together with Gus’s family. I wouldn’t miss any of the gatherings. I’m there to let them know that I respect and care about them. Family/friends matter. Opening our hearts and minds to others has huge benefits. Being part of our messy relationships offers us the gifts of inclusion and connection.
So many of us have felt isolated during the pandemic, when we couldn’t gather or hug our extended family and friends. Why not reach out and embrace your people, messiness and all!
Why not share the gift of The Affirming Way of Life as a summer read with some one you care about!
