My Son is Getting Married! (A Mother’s Tender-Hearted Reflection)

Last night I dreamt I was embracing my sleeping two-year-old boy in my arms. I felt such serenity as I gazed down at his peaceful, sweet face. My baby is thirty, and in just three days he’ll be married! For weeks and months friends and family ask, “Are you excited?” Of course, I’m excited. But being actively engaged in wedding preparations and living, it took a dream to give me a full pause to take in this momentous occasion.

For years I prayed and envisioned Theo meeting his just right woman. Watching on as his older cousins married and had children, I wanted the same for our boy. He’d date girls for three to six months, but each was right for that moment-in-time only; there were no future possibilities. My mother-heart was heavy. Then, just before Covid-19 hit, he met Sarah on the dating website, Hinge. Boom! That was it. They’d found the love of their life! And my husband, Gus and I could feel it, too. Nine months after they met Sarah moved into Theo’s condo and they began making wedding plans. It’s so good and right, and… my baby’s getting married!

We get to experience the fullness of our emotions and joy when we take a pause. I thank you for sharing this pause with me. My hope is that it will connect you to your emotions to tenderly take in your own transitions.

Our kids getting married—one of the endless transitions we go through as parents and as humans. Our kid’s first step, first word, kindergarten, middle school, high school, drivers license, college, first job, career, marriage, home, children—and that’s just the common transitions.

Today I opened for the first time in a long time, a journal of letters I’ve been writing to Theo since he was born. When he was a baby, I’d write monthly. As he got older it was yearly. And now, it’s less frequently than that. In its pages are my heartfelt recordings of Theo’s momentous moments. I wrote it for him, but I can see it was for me, too. Each pause then and now enables me to savor the experience more fully of my boy at that moment of life.

He always adjusted to his transitions much better than I did. Here’s an entry a few days before move-in-day at Quinnipiac University August 27, 2010:

“I was getting a little emotional saying, ‘My boy isn’t going to be living home anymore’ and you responded, ‘Mom, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s like when I went to kindergarten. The other kids were crying and clinging to their moms, but I was happy and had to help you to let me go. I’m ready to go now mom, and you’re going to be OK.’”

I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Out of the mouth of babes. Our children are our greatest teachers. It makes me think of what Kahlil Gibran says in “On Children” from his book, The Prophet.

Your children are not your children.

They come through you, but not from you

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

As my cousin Brenda said to cheer me up after I dropped Theo off at college, “You did your job as a mother well if your kid is ready to move onto the next stage of their life. Sending them off to live their own life is what it’s all about.”

I know my boy-man is ready to get married by the partner he is to Sarah. He puts her first and lavishes her with love and adoring teasing. He is his full Theo-self with her, just as he’s always been with Gus and me, making audacious, clever, frank statements that raise our spirits. That tells me volumes about their connection.  He and she know each other’s strengths and weaker points and embrace it all. They share living responsibilities on all levels and can talk through their different points of view. Most of all they love being together. My mom-heart is so happy my boy is marrying the love of his life.

Gus and I are ready to be the bows for Theo’s arrow. He’s been preparing us. Four years ago, our boy-man bought a condo and moved out. He calls me less. At times I miss the level of closeness we used to have, but with mother-love I rejoice he’s moving on to this next wonderful stage of his life. I’m grateful he’s brought Sarah into our family.  If she wasn’t becoming a daughter to us, I’d pick her as a friend.

Our son, our boy—is getting married!

Have you had similar feelings? I’d love to hear from you about your experiences and any wisdom you have to share.

Want some uplift? My book is available on Amazon.

Don’t Wait to Express Your Love

Do you sometimes hold back expressing your love waiting for the other person to say it first? Here’s a story to inspire you to be bold and say it now!

Several weeks ago, my husband Gus and I watched a segment on CBS Sunday Morning with author Trent Preszler. It was so touching we both teared up, and here I am writing about it. Preszler wrote a memoir, Little and Often, about the never expressed feelings between him and his dad, and its profound impact on his life.

The Impact of Unexpressed Love

Preszler describes his dad, a Viet Nam Vet and a former rodeo champion, as living a hardscrabble life in South Dakota. And the hardest thing about that was that his dad never once in his life said he loved him.

"I wanted him to say it so badly. And I felt like if I was the first one to say, 'I love you,' that somehow it would be worthless."

In his 20’s Preszler told his father he was gay. They were estranged for the next 10 years, till his dad was on his death bed dying of cancer. Even then, sitting by his hospital bed, no love was expressed by either of the Preszler men. He hoped his dad’s last words would be I love you, but they were, “Drive safely!”

Take a Risk and Express Your Heart

My dad was a little like Preszler’s dad. Growing up in the 30’s and 40’s, he was of the generation when men were expected to be strong, providers, and didn’t express their feelings. That was hard for me. My parents divorced when I was in college, and I longed for confirmation after he remarried that he still loved me. Though I would hug him at the end of each visit and tell him with sincerity “Love you, Dad,” his only response was, “Right.” That single word left me cold and feeling disconnected from him. I finally got my wish, about a year before he passed away at 89.

When my stepmother was disabled and couldn’t make the 10-hour train ride to visit us, my dad came on his own. He seemed freer and talked more openly during these visits. At night before he’d go up to bed, I’d hug him and say, “I love you so much, Dad.” The first couple of nights he’d respond with his usual, “Right.” One night I said, “What does right mean?” He laughed and said, “Love you too, Dear.“ Deep fulfillment flooded my chest. Finally, the words I’d longed to hear for so long!

It does feel risky and vulnerable when we express our feelings and are unsure of how the other will respond. But what’s the alternative? Keeping our love locked up for fear of rejection? Even when my dad, merely responded, “Right,” I felt empowered expressing my true feelings for him. Who have you been wanting to express your feelings to but have held back?

A Way to Get Started

Preszler says with deep regret “I wish I had told my dad I loved him and thanked him for all the lessons he taught me.”

Saying ‘I love you’ can begin with words of appreciation. There’s so much underlying the words ‘I love you.’ It’s all the qualities we value and admire in the other person. It’s the way they treat us and make us feel. It’s the support they give us. It’s how our life feels richer and blessed because they’re in it.

In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I show a myriad of ways to get in touch with your positive feelings towards others and then to express them.

The simplest way is to be specific and sincere. When we’re specific we give the person a word gift, something to hold onto that shows them how they’re valued and builds our bonds with them. Sincerity is of the heart. What comes from the heart reaches the heart.

Here’s what specific and sincere appreciating looks like: During my dad’s last visits, we sat on the white microfiber couch in my living room, and he’d talk about his favorite Broadway musical composers. I admired his passion for music and was so grateful for how it enriched my life. So I said:

“Dad, my life is so much richer because of all the music you’ve shared with me. I still sing verses from the musicals you played as I went to sleep as a kid. I so admire your passion for music. You inspire me to follow my own passions.” My words wove tiny threads of love between our hearts.

Make Expressing Your Heart a Lifestyle

Preszler ended his interview by saying, “I’ve learned extraordinary things can happen if we do little things every day.”

Make each day extraordinary by expressing your love and appreciation to your loved ones. Unleash your positive possibilities!

Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.



Putting Heart into Your Celebrations

When it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions, most people celebrate with a meal and presents. But I’m wondering, how often do you tell the celebrant how much they mean to you? For most of us the answer is—never! Yet the value of expressing your heart can be more precious than a new computer or diamond earrings. Words from the heart enter the heart. They build our dear one’s sense of self and deepen our relationships

The Ritual

I give credit to my oldest, dearest friend, Lynnie for developing this ritual. Thirty years ago, over a birthday sushi dinner out, she said, “Before I give you your present, I want to celebrate who you are.” She then described qualities of mine she treasured and the joy and meaning my friendship brought into her life. I glowed. I was bowled over.  Her words made me feel that my presence in her world and the larger world—mattered, deeply. I felt enveloped in a magical moment.

Then she said, “Now I want to know your vision for your new year of life.” She gave me the opportunity to reflect on my goals and dreams, helping me to set a positive intention for my year.

It was such a powerful experience. More valuable than being treated to dinner and a gift, her focus on celebrating my life and caring about the way I moved forward in my new year touched my heart. And it was my joy to do the same for her when her birthday came around.

Lynnie and I eagerly anticipate our birthday ritual every year. She lives in California now, so we affirm and envision over FaceTime. Days before her birthday I begin thinking about what I appreciate, admire and value about her. Some traits come up year after year, yet there’s always something new. And the amazing thing is, I may even feel happier celebrating her than being celebrated. Here’s some convincing reasons (I think) to putting the heart into your birthday celebrations:

The Benefits

1.     Build Dear Ones Sense of Self: We all are just the way we are, until someone who notices a sterling trait in us is generous enough to tell us. Then we see it, too. Letting a dear one know what you value about them, builds their sense of self. Think of it. What would your life be like without the appreciative, sometimes admiring words of loved ones? (While I wrote my book and afterwards, part of Lynnie’s birthday affirmation was you are the most disciplined persevering person I know. Those words spur me on with my goals. I will tell you, there was a time in my life when that was the furthest from reality. Hearing my developing traits named helped cement them as part of my sense of self.)

2.     Strengthen Relationship Bonds: We assume others know how we feel. Maybe. But it is so confirming to hear someone tell you how much they value you! Our affirming words weave invisible threads between us and our dear ones. The other night, my husband Gus and I took out a friend for his 80th birthday. Over a toast to Jim I said, “You are our role model for youthful living. You live with such zest. We could never keep up with you bike riding. Your open-minded and open-hearted way of living makes us treasure your friendship!” The joy in his face was palpable and his email of appreciation emphasized how much my words meant. I can literally feel the stronger threads of our connection.

3.     Change Your Brain for the Better: This might excite you the most. Positive psychologists have found that our brains are wired to be negatively biased, meaning we tend to see what’s wrong with ourselves and others more than what’s right. But here’s the good news. Our brain structure is malleable. It can be changed.  Each time we savor a positive experience for 5-10 seconds, we shift our brain to be positively oriented. That means affirming another or being affirmed ourselves, contributes to making our brain and mindset more positive. And who doesn’t want to feel more positive?! To learn more read, Hardwiring Happiness: the New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, by Rick Hanson, Ph.D.  

Another Way

If you’re not comfortable speaking your appreciation and praise verbally, you can celebrate your dear ones by writing what you love about them in a card. Personalized messages in cards are such a treasure. Every card my son (who’s 30 now) gives me I keep and use as bookmarks. I read and reread his messages that confirm to me I am a success at mothering and make me feel so close to him. In one he says, “Many times I find myself reframing my perspective to look at life the way you do. You are the most dedicated mom. Dedicated to my happiness, success and love of life. May we spend lots of time loving our life and relationship.” His words are pure gold to me.

Why not celebrate your dear ones by expressing what you love appreciate and value in them verbally, in writing, or both ways! You will bring them joy and greatly endear your relationship.

Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.