My Son is Getting Married! (A Mother’s Tender-Hearted Reflection)

Last night I dreamt I was embracing my sleeping two-year-old boy in my arms. I felt such serenity as I gazed down at his peaceful, sweet face. My baby is thirty, and in just three days he’ll be married! For weeks and months friends and family ask, “Are you excited?” Of course, I’m excited. But being actively engaged in wedding preparations and living, it took a dream to give me a full pause to take in this momentous occasion.

For years I prayed and envisioned Theo meeting his just right woman. Watching on as his older cousins married and had children, I wanted the same for our boy. He’d date girls for three to six months, but each was right for that moment-in-time only; there were no future possibilities. My mother-heart was heavy. Then, just before Covid-19 hit, he met Sarah on the dating website, Hinge. Boom! That was it. They’d found the love of their life! And my husband, Gus and I could feel it, too. Nine months after they met Sarah moved into Theo’s condo and they began making wedding plans. It’s so good and right, and… my baby’s getting married!

We get to experience the fullness of our emotions and joy when we take a pause. I thank you for sharing this pause with me. My hope is that it will connect you to your emotions to tenderly take in your own transitions.

Our kids getting married—one of the endless transitions we go through as parents and as humans. Our kid’s first step, first word, kindergarten, middle school, high school, drivers license, college, first job, career, marriage, home, children—and that’s just the common transitions.

Today I opened for the first time in a long time, a journal of letters I’ve been writing to Theo since he was born. When he was a baby, I’d write monthly. As he got older it was yearly. And now, it’s less frequently than that. In its pages are my heartfelt recordings of Theo’s momentous moments. I wrote it for him, but I can see it was for me, too. Each pause then and now enables me to savor the experience more fully of my boy at that moment of life.

He always adjusted to his transitions much better than I did. Here’s an entry a few days before move-in-day at Quinnipiac University August 27, 2010:

“I was getting a little emotional saying, ‘My boy isn’t going to be living home anymore’ and you responded, ‘Mom, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s like when I went to kindergarten. The other kids were crying and clinging to their moms, but I was happy and had to help you to let me go. I’m ready to go now mom, and you’re going to be OK.’”

I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Out of the mouth of babes. Our children are our greatest teachers. It makes me think of what Kahlil Gibran says in “On Children” from his book, The Prophet.

Your children are not your children.

They come through you, but not from you

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

As my cousin Brenda said to cheer me up after I dropped Theo off at college, “You did your job as a mother well if your kid is ready to move onto the next stage of their life. Sending them off to live their own life is what it’s all about.”

I know my boy-man is ready to get married by the partner he is to Sarah. He puts her first and lavishes her with love and adoring teasing. He is his full Theo-self with her, just as he’s always been with Gus and me, making audacious, clever, frank statements that raise our spirits. That tells me volumes about their connection.  He and she know each other’s strengths and weaker points and embrace it all. They share living responsibilities on all levels and can talk through their different points of view. Most of all they love being together. My mom-heart is so happy my boy is marrying the love of his life.

Gus and I are ready to be the bows for Theo’s arrow. He’s been preparing us. Four years ago, our boy-man bought a condo and moved out. He calls me less. At times I miss the level of closeness we used to have, but with mother-love I rejoice he’s moving on to this next wonderful stage of his life. I’m grateful he’s brought Sarah into our family.  If she wasn’t becoming a daughter to us, I’d pick her as a friend.

Our son, our boy—is getting married!

Have you had similar feelings? I’d love to hear from you about your experiences and any wisdom you have to share.

Want some uplift? My book is available on Amazon.

You are an Influence –Share Your Gifts

“You two have totally shaped the course of my life,” I said with deep awe. “I am so moved to be in the same room with both of you.”

That’s what I wish I said at a recent reunion with two extraordinary life-influencers. Actually I was enjoying the moment so much I didn’t even think to put my feelings in words.

 Selma, (now 91 and sharper than some 30 year olds), was my college professor. She was the only educator I can recall, that saw my talents and encouraged me. She introduced me to my school district (at the time, the most innovative child-centered around) where I would impact at least a thousand students and form most of my lifelong friendships.

Jamie (who I met through Selma) was the door-opener to my two careers. It was she who recommended me for the interview in that school district, where I would nurture the talents of my students for 38 years. And it was she, who when I was ready to publish my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, who generously guided and inspired me in my second career as a writer-publisher, speaker and coach.

How grateful I am for Selma and Jamie’s profound influence on the unfolding of my life. How about you. Who’s deeply affected your life for the better?

You are an Influence

We all influence and are influenced every day of our lives. Some influences are momentary, some last the day, and some last a lifetime. Influences can be positive or at times devastatingly destructive. But how often do we even think of how we influence?

Yet influence others we do. With our words, our actions, our habits, our ideas.

A smile, a helpful idea, a truly listening ear, encouragement, a ride to the doctor’s office, a kind affirming word…we influence.

I think of Mary Oliver’s beautiful last line of the poem, “The Summer’s Day” with influence in mind.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

To me, to be a positive influence is to make the most of our one precious life.

Here’s What Influence Looks Like

When I was writing my book, there was a time I felt like I was scaling a mountain and I didn’t have the stamina to keep going. That peak was way too far out of sight. But then unaware of my discouragement, my son, Theo says, “Mom, seeing your determination in fulfilling your goal, makes me believe I too can accomplish my goals.” Wow! Knowing I was his influence, no matter how much effort it took I had to publish my book. Mutual influence.

A letter I received from a parent at the end of a school year, confirmed I was fulfilling my mission as a teacher. Karen said, “You have seen Johnny’s uniqueness and talents and have helped him see them too. And the amazing thing about you is that you do that with every student. We are eternally grateful.” Her letter about my influence, inspired me at a time when I was having doubts. Hearing I was indeed making a difference made a difference to me and all the students whose lives I touched. Mutual influence.

The one positive person my brother-in-law had in his life growing up was his grandpa. Every weekend Gramps would take George fishing. When George married my sister, Gramps would rent a house on a lake for a family fishing week. Now George and Lois have their own lake house and boat. George’s joy and peace and happiest moments are at the lake, fishing with his own grandkids. Mutual Influence.

Share Your Gifts

Each of us has many gifts to share. Whatever they are they matter. My niece’s husband influenced by his dad, is big-hearted and handy building things. His gifts bring much joy to the family. A friend, committed to recovery for over 30 years, inspires countless others through his leadership in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I discovered my outstanding gift in an epiphany on my 50th birthday. I realized my best trait is that I look with eyes to see the best in others and generously tell them. I learned my gift from my mother’s example. Seeing the warm affect affirming has on each and every relationship, I wrote my book to share my gift far and wide.

Choosing to be a positive influence with our unique gifts gives our life meaning.

 We get to see that our life here on Earth matters.

Your Takeaways

• What talents or natural capabilities can you share to support others and be a positive influence?

• Become an influence observer. How are others impacting you? If it’s positive affirm them for it. How are you influencing others? Are you comfortable with your impact?

• Choose to be a positive influence with your closest people and everyone you come in contact with.

NOW MORE THAT EVER THE WORLD NEEDS YOUR POSITIVE INFLUENCE AND GOOD ENERGY. SPREAD THE GOOD!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.

If you enjoyed this blog, share with friends on social media and email. I appreciate your help spreading the good!

An Important Reason To Apologize

“Because we’re all imperfect human beings, prone to error and defensiveness, the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology is with us until our very last breath. ”

— Harriet Lerner

I’ve been listening to a new podcast as I do my daily 30-minute walk. It’s Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, and every episode is a three minute shot in the arm of inspiration to improve your relationships. Of all their good ideas, the one that rose to the surface for me was on taking responsibility in conflicts. Apologies are dear to my heart because they make me think of my son, Theo, who has helped me to become a sincere and authentic apologizer. What’s the big deal, you might ask.

It’s a very big deal. Working through conflicts and hurt feelings is one of the hardest parts of being in relationships. Yet doing so, is what makes our relationships open-hearted, safe, home bases for us to live and thrive in.

The Conflict

My boy is now 29, has his own condo, but still has quite a bit of “stuff” at our home. The “stuff” that led to a recent conflict. He had stopped over for a ten-minute drumming session in our basement. When he emerged from downstairs I said,

“Thee, you have that extra drum set all over the basement floor. When are you going to do something about it? And don’t forget you have all the clothes you’ve left here to go through.”

“Mom!!! You’re such an overreactor! I told you it’s only going to be there a week at most. And you ALWAYS bombard me with too many things at once! I’ll get to them!”

“I DON’T APPRECIATE you speaking to me in that tone of voice.”

“OK, Mom. Gotta go. Talk to you later,” he kissed my cheek and out the door he went.

Taking Responsibility

After he left, I thought about my part in our clash. I reflected: I know it frazzles him when I ask him to do more than one thing at a time, you’ve got to stop that!  And since I only see him once a week, I want our time together to be relaxed and warm. Ask him when would work for him to get the drums. Discuss the clothes another time.

As I said, apologies are dear to my heart thanks to Theo. A couple of hours later he called. “Mom, I’m sorry I spoke to you like I did and called you an overreactor. I’ve been stressed lately with work and I came over to let loose with my drums. I will get the extra drums out by Friday. I just need you to not overwhelm me with too many requests at once. Who’s the cutest mom?”

See what I mean. The beauty of my boy is he takes responsibility for his behavior, asks for what he needs, and reaffirms our loving bond. It makes it easier for me to do the same.

“Thee, I apologize for bombarding you with both requests. When I have your attention at home I just want to get as much done as possible. I know it sets you off and I am going to work on that. What I need from you is that you talk to me more respectfully. I love you bubby. I so appreciate this call. How lucky I am to have a son that owns his behavior and cares enough to talk things out.”

My example is a mild one but illustrates my message. We each have our needs, wants and stresses, and being human we all mess up and can be insensitive and hurtful. Rarely is a conflict just one person’s responsibility.  If we keep the dearness of our relationship at the center of our thoughts and feelings, and are willing to own our part, we can work through conflicts and deepen our relationships with loved ones.

Your Takeaways

Communication expert, Harriet Lerner, in her recent book, Why Won’t You Apologize, spells out three fundamentals of a good apology:

1.      Take clear and specific responsibility for what you have said or done without blaming the other.

2.      Listen carefully without interrupting and saying things that make the hurt party feel unheard or cut short.

3.      Do your best to ensure you don’t repeat the behavior that offended the other person.

4.      (My addition) If you feel better, affirm the other person, you’re actually affirming the value of their relationship in your life!

The deeper the hurt, the harder it can be to be open to an apology. If accepting an apology is hard for you, acknowledge that. Give yourself time, but melt those bars around your heart.

Giving an apology is not weakness or blaming ourselves, but caring about our relationship more than being right.

Why not take your share of responsibility in conflicts  starting today!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.