An Important Reason To Apologize

“Because we’re all imperfect human beings, prone to error and defensiveness, the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology is with us until our very last breath. ”

— Harriet Lerner

I’ve been listening to a new podcast as I do my daily 30-minute walk. It’s Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, and every episode is a three minute shot in the arm of inspiration to improve your relationships. Of all their good ideas, the one that rose to the surface for me was on taking responsibility in conflicts. Apologies are dear to my heart because they make me think of my son, Theo, who has helped me to become a sincere and authentic apologizer. What’s the big deal, you might ask.

It’s a very big deal. Working through conflicts and hurt feelings is one of the hardest parts of being in relationships. Yet doing so, is what makes our relationships open-hearted, safe, home bases for us to live and thrive in.

The Conflict

My boy is now 29, has his own condo, but still has quite a bit of “stuff” at our home. The “stuff” that led to a recent conflict. He had stopped over for a ten-minute drumming session in our basement. When he emerged from downstairs I said,

“Thee, you have that extra drum set all over the basement floor. When are you going to do something about it? And don’t forget you have all the clothes you’ve left here to go through.”

“Mom!!! You’re such an overreactor! I told you it’s only going to be there a week at most. And you ALWAYS bombard me with too many things at once! I’ll get to them!”

“I DON’T APPRECIATE you speaking to me in that tone of voice.”

“OK, Mom. Gotta go. Talk to you later,” he kissed my cheek and out the door he went.

Taking Responsibility

After he left, I thought about my part in our clash. I reflected: I know it frazzles him when I ask him to do more than one thing at a time, you’ve got to stop that!  And since I only see him once a week, I want our time together to be relaxed and warm. Ask him when would work for him to get the drums. Discuss the clothes another time.

As I said, apologies are dear to my heart thanks to Theo. A couple of hours later he called. “Mom, I’m sorry I spoke to you like I did and called you an overreactor. I’ve been stressed lately with work and I came over to let loose with my drums. I will get the extra drums out by Friday. I just need you to not overwhelm me with too many requests at once. Who’s the cutest mom?”

See what I mean. The beauty of my boy is he takes responsibility for his behavior, asks for what he needs, and reaffirms our loving bond. It makes it easier for me to do the same.

“Thee, I apologize for bombarding you with both requests. When I have your attention at home I just want to get as much done as possible. I know it sets you off and I am going to work on that. What I need from you is that you talk to me more respectfully. I love you bubby. I so appreciate this call. How lucky I am to have a son that owns his behavior and cares enough to talk things out.”

My example is a mild one but illustrates my message. We each have our needs, wants and stresses, and being human we all mess up and can be insensitive and hurtful. Rarely is a conflict just one person’s responsibility.  If we keep the dearness of our relationship at the center of our thoughts and feelings, and are willing to own our part, we can work through conflicts and deepen our relationships with loved ones.

Your Takeaways

Communication expert, Harriet Lerner, in her recent book, Why Won’t You Apologize, spells out three fundamentals of a good apology:

1.      Take clear and specific responsibility for what you have said or done without blaming the other.

2.      Listen carefully without interrupting and saying things that make the hurt party feel unheard or cut short.

3.      Do your best to ensure you don’t repeat the behavior that offended the other person.

4.      (My addition) If you feel better, affirm the other person, you’re actually affirming the value of their relationship in your life!

The deeper the hurt, the harder it can be to be open to an apology. If accepting an apology is hard for you, acknowledge that. Give yourself time, but melt those bars around your heart.

Giving an apology is not weakness or blaming ourselves, but caring about our relationship more than being right.

Why not take your share of responsibility in conflicts  starting today!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.

Embrace Change: 4 Questions to Help You

As I contemplated what my new blog topic would be this week, a single word floated up in my mind – CHANGE.  I kept hearing the line from Sam Cook’s 1964 song, “A Change is Gonna Come” - it’s been a long time, a long time coming, but I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.” You are so right, Sam. It’s been a long time, and everything in the world as we know it is shifting.

 The murder of George Floyd, as a result of police brutality, has catalyzed protests for days on end all over the United States and the world. Floyd is the straw that has broken the camel’s back in the abominable injustice of the treatment of Black people. My heart goes out to him and his family, and all Blacks who have lost their lives because of the color of their skin. A change is coming now… coming fast… and its time!

Between the impact of Covid-19 and the George Floyd protests, our way of life has been totally shaken up.

A Wake-up Call

What’s going on?  I ask myself.

There’s obviously a wake-up call we need as a human race, to change our ways before even more cataclysmic things happen.

Not too many years ago, I had a personal wake-up call. A member of my family had her life turned totally upside down. She was at the top of her game professionally, socially and glowing with inner confidence.  Yet, in the blink of an eye, all that crumbled. She was hospitalized for an unexpected health condition, and we who loved her stood by in shock and fear.

Here’s the similarity to what’s going on in the world. I said to myself, if such a big shake-up has occurred there has to be a larger reason as to why. So my loved one and I each asked ourselves these questions:

• What’s to be learned here?

• What do I need to pay more attention to?

• What’s the opportunity?

• How can I change and grow because of this?

And because she seized the moment to do the work that became clear to her, her life now is richer, more grounded, and much happier. But it took concerted attention, effort, support and time.  

I ask myself those same four questions now.

What’s to be learned here? What do I need to pay attention to?

Covid-19 and racial injustice are each about separation and protection.

The Corona Virus forces us to wear masks and stay six feet apart for protection from life-threatening germs. But we’re painfully separated physically and socially from others. Racial injustice leaves Black people unprotected by our law enforcement and judicial  systems because of ingrained societal separation between Whites and Blacks.

The learning to me is to value everyone, those we love, acquaintances, and those who appear different than us. PEOPLE MATTER.

What’s the opportunity? How can I change and grow because of this?

Covid-19 Opportunity: Connect with loved ones

I’ve noticed how important the people in my life are. When we could freely move around in the world, I was busy going, doing and socializing with many and didn’t always give those dearest to me as much time and attention. Here are changes I’ve made:

• I spend quality time with my house-mate, my husband. Dinners, walks, conversations—I give him my full attention now, and of course daily tell him how grateful I am for him. Our relationship has become more precious.

•   I have weekly dates to FaceTime with a sister-friend and my three nieces with their young babies. In the past I’d speak to them occasionally, but now I water the relationships with my time and care and the result is great joy.

•   My son, Theo and his girlfriend, Sarah, come over for a barbecue once a week. They are my heart and I make sure each week to let them know how much they mean to me.

•   Whoever I FaceTime, zoom, or speak with I make sure to affirm them and let them know how much I appreciate them.

Racial Injustice Opportunity: Connect Through Learning and Action

I’m really impressed by all the companies and institutions who are stepping up to raise our consciousness and are taking action. This morning my email was flooded with meaningful response letters to the protest. I am using the following resources to learn and grow.

• Coursera, a fabulous online opportunity to take free classes from outstanding universities is offering fourteen courses on anti-racism, social justice and inclusion from universities like Stanford, Vanderbilt, Emory, Weslyan, U of Michigan and Rutgers. I’m signing up for one this week, to raise my consciousness.

• My husband and I are taking an online course with the great Buddhist teacher, Jack Kornfield, entitled Keeping a Steady Heart in Uncertain Times. At his website he offers a list, “75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice,” with actions we can take now.

• Support legislators and leaders who are advocating for humane treatment and protection of the rights of all people. Reach out and affirm them and give them your vote!

Why not ask yourself the four questions and reflect on the meaning of this shake-up for you. Then decide to begin to make some changes starting today!

One Game-Changing Tip to Stay Connected When Quarantined

See the good, speak the good, spread the good…we need to do this now more than ever. It’s been a year since my book, The Affirming Way of Life was published. Yay! From my first visions of the book and everyday, I picture my book helping to transform the way people express their hearts and deepen their connections. What in our lives is more important than the people we love? During our extended quarantine, unable to be with so many of the people who mean so much to us, we can spread the good by regularly reaching out with a call of words of appreciation from our heart.

A week ago, when I first became homebound, I was in a state of panic over everything from the stock market, to fear of losing our house, worry there’d be no way to get essentials for living, and the very worst—fear of losing loved ones. So I began texting people I love that I normally don’t reach out to. I discovered my way of dealing with fear is to take action. Before I got out of bed on day 2 of quarantine, I texted three people dear to me.

The first was my cousin Jodie’s grown daughter, Jessica. I texted her:

“Jess, love you so much. Sending you and your family blessings for health and safety at this crazy time . I so appreciate the special connection we have had your whole life. I am always so proud of you for everything you are!”

Jessica responded: “I passed my oral boards! Thank you for always rooting for me and believing in me. Passover at your house is my favorite holiday. Will miss you!”

The next day my friend Ann called me and before we hung up I said, “Talking to you is such a comfort. You’re like a bowl of delicious matzah ball soup.” She was thrilled with my words, and gave me an unexpected beautiful affirmation back.

A Way to Spread the Good

The joy shared gave me a mission: I would contact three different people every day to let them know how much they mean to me. It would give me a way to remain connected while I couldn’t actually be with others, and it distracted me from my fearful thoughts. And most importantly, it enables me to spread the good!

We all in moments of reflection say, “Life is short. I need to seize the moment to appreciate my loved ones.” But do we? We are usually so distracted with everyday living that we forget to treat our life and the people in it preciously. As Michael Singer, in The Untethered Soul says, “How much love could you give the ones you love, knowing it would be the last time you’d get to be with them? Think about what it would be like if you lived like that every moment.”

We have the time now, lots of time. Why not join me in spreading the good to all your relationships?

I’ve created a list of dates and the people I will contact each day (lists make me feel a sense of accomplishment). It makes me feel good seeing the people’s names and remembering the warm connection we shared when I called.  I also have a to-do notebook with a growing list of names of who I want to reach out to. It’s a project I feel good about and a simple way to support myself and feel like I’m doing something good in the world.  

Your Takeaways

• Make a list daily of three people in your life you love-value and want to let know how much they mean to you.

• Reach out with some normal conversation, but affirm them before you hang up.

• Try Face Time, Skype, or any of the other video ways to connect, so you feel like you’re actually together. I’m choosing Face Time as much as possible. Regular calls and texts are make just as much an impact.

• Be specific and sincere about what you value and appreciate about the person, and let the warmth you feel come through in your voice.

  
  

• Ask each person you reach out to, to reach out to three others daily. You’ll help me make my dream a reality and you will be making a difference even while you’re homebound.

Please share with me your stories of spreading the good. I’m here to help you share your love!

If I haven’t contacted you – do reach out to me. I promise to give you a personal affirmation from my heart!