Do You Fear Loved Ones Dying? You’re Not Alone

“The thing about death is that we’re all terrified of it happening and we’re devastated when it does, and we go out of our way to pretend neither of these things is true.”

— Jodi Picoult, The Book of Two Way

I have a habit that I never speak about with others. It’s one of those things I just do automatically. Not every single day, but frequently, I worry about my core people, my husband, my son, and my sister—dying. I angst mostly when they get in a car and drive away. Or, if they’re driving when it’s raining buckets. Or flying. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach or fluttering in my chest, I just pray fervently that they be safe. I do the same for myself because I want to be here with my loved ones as long as possible. I don’t think it’s an unnatural fear, they are my ground, my greatest comforters, my best friends, my family. But I wonder, is this habit of thinking good for me?

How about you. Do you worry about losing your loved ones, too?

The World Gives Us Much Reason to Worry

Forgive me for being morbid and fueling your worries, but it’s no wonder all of us have constant undercurrents of fear. Just turn on the news. We are seeing unprecedented earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, and fires destroying homes and taking lives. Mass shootings. Freakish events like a crane crashing to the sidewalk killing a person on the way to work. And COVID! 687,000 have died, that’s more than the 1918 Spanish flu. Who would have imagined a pandemic in our lifetime? Then there’s all kinds of illnesses that threaten to strike and shorten our loved one’s lives. And let’s not forget all the killing and death we witness in our TV series’, movies, and the books we read.

The reality is—death is the bookend of life, as much as we want to keep it from our doorsteps.

So Much of Life is Out of Our Control

Each of us in our own way construct our life to have predictability, ritual, and stability. It helps us feel safe. Many of us can usually count on having control over who we spend time with, what we do in our free time, what we eat and where we’ll get to sleep. And how lucky we are to have the control we do have!

But so much of life is out of our control and laced with uncertainty. How our body and those of our loved ones will react and change over time; how other’s will behave and respond; weather and disasters; what happens to us because we are in a certain place at a certain time. All this and more perpetuate my fear of losing my loved ones! Can you relate?

David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, says,

“Fear doesn’t stop death; fear stops life.”

Fear stops life… such a powerful realization and motivator to get control of our fear. I found some interesting things people are doing to make peace with their fear of death. There are death doulas or death midwives, usually women, who understand the process of death and help families cope with a dying loved one by assisting them with all the tasks of dying aside from the medical ones. Their gift is enabling the living and dying to talk about the experience and integrate it as a natural part of life. I remember when my Aunt Laura was dying of brain cancer. I knew when it was the last time I’d see her. I so wanted to express my love and say goodbye, but my family was in denial pretending she was going to get better. I felt cheated. How helpful a doula could have been.

People who want to talk about their fears of death, like I’m doing now, can go to groups called death cafes where people meet to discuss with others their fears of death and dying in a supportive unstructured way. Believe it or not, there are over 10,000 groups worldwide in over 80 countries. Dealing with death fears is obviously on a lot of people’s minds! There’s a local chapter in East Windsor. For more information you can reach out to Laurie at rblau@comcast.net.

We Can Counteract Fear of Death Thoughts

1.     The first step in transforming or managing our fearful thoughts is to recognize them and why we have them. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to openly own my fears of losing my dearest loved ones. I just don’t want to imagine life without them. I feel so grateful for all they each bring into my life. I especially want my son Theo and his new wife Sarah to have a very long blessed life. They’re so young with so much positive possibility ahead of them. And truly for my husband, my sister and myself, I pray for the blessing of continued growing, loving, and the joy of our togetherness. How about you? What is the root of your fears of loss?

2.     The antidote to our fear for the safety of our loved ones is to deliberately create positive thoughts to counteract our negative repetitive thinking. I asked my sister Lois if she fears her daughters or me dying. She said, “I rarely do. I just hold continuous positive visions of each of you going through your day and your life.” I pray and ask for divine intervention. But now openly admitting my fearful negative visions, I am going to picture each of them happily going through their day then returning safely to their homes at night. Thankfully our thoughts and mental images are within our control.

 Research in neuropsychology reveals retraining our minds is possible but requires steady, patient effort. (And it’s well worth it.) The exciting thing is that because of our brain’s neuroplasticity, we can retrain and reshape our brains to be positive at any age.

Some reading to support you in retraining your brain: Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm and Confidence by Rick Hanson. The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology by Jack Kornfield. The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good by Gail Siggelakis (me!)

As I said, death is the bookend of life, and a part of life we’d naturally like to banish. But since it’s an impossibility, why not take actions that are in your control. Talk about your feelings about loss with others you trust or an organized group. Then replace fear thoughts with daily positive affirmations about your loved ones and your own well-being.  Unleash new positive possibilities by going a step further—let your loved ones know how much they mean to you, often!

The Affirming Way of Life is available on Amazon and can be a great uplift for yourself or a loved one.

My Son is Getting Married! (A Mother’s Tender-Hearted Reflection)

Last night I dreamt I was embracing my sleeping two-year-old boy in my arms. I felt such serenity as I gazed down at his peaceful, sweet face. My baby is thirty, and in just three days he’ll be married! For weeks and months friends and family ask, “Are you excited?” Of course, I’m excited. But being actively engaged in wedding preparations and living, it took a dream to give me a full pause to take in this momentous occasion.

For years I prayed and envisioned Theo meeting his just right woman. Watching on as his older cousins married and had children, I wanted the same for our boy. He’d date girls for three to six months, but each was right for that moment-in-time only; there were no future possibilities. My mother-heart was heavy. Then, just before Covid-19 hit, he met Sarah on the dating website, Hinge. Boom! That was it. They’d found the love of their life! And my husband, Gus and I could feel it, too. Nine months after they met Sarah moved into Theo’s condo and they began making wedding plans. It’s so good and right, and… my baby’s getting married!

We get to experience the fullness of our emotions and joy when we take a pause. I thank you for sharing this pause with me. My hope is that it will connect you to your emotions to tenderly take in your own transitions.

Our kids getting married—one of the endless transitions we go through as parents and as humans. Our kid’s first step, first word, kindergarten, middle school, high school, drivers license, college, first job, career, marriage, home, children—and that’s just the common transitions.

Today I opened for the first time in a long time, a journal of letters I’ve been writing to Theo since he was born. When he was a baby, I’d write monthly. As he got older it was yearly. And now, it’s less frequently than that. In its pages are my heartfelt recordings of Theo’s momentous moments. I wrote it for him, but I can see it was for me, too. Each pause then and now enables me to savor the experience more fully of my boy at that moment of life.

He always adjusted to his transitions much better than I did. Here’s an entry a few days before move-in-day at Quinnipiac University August 27, 2010:

“I was getting a little emotional saying, ‘My boy isn’t going to be living home anymore’ and you responded, ‘Mom, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s like when I went to kindergarten. The other kids were crying and clinging to their moms, but I was happy and had to help you to let me go. I’m ready to go now mom, and you’re going to be OK.’”

I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Out of the mouth of babes. Our children are our greatest teachers. It makes me think of what Kahlil Gibran says in “On Children” from his book, The Prophet.

Your children are not your children.

They come through you, but not from you

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

As my cousin Brenda said to cheer me up after I dropped Theo off at college, “You did your job as a mother well if your kid is ready to move onto the next stage of their life. Sending them off to live their own life is what it’s all about.”

I know my boy-man is ready to get married by the partner he is to Sarah. He puts her first and lavishes her with love and adoring teasing. He is his full Theo-self with her, just as he’s always been with Gus and me, making audacious, clever, frank statements that raise our spirits. That tells me volumes about their connection.  He and she know each other’s strengths and weaker points and embrace it all. They share living responsibilities on all levels and can talk through their different points of view. Most of all they love being together. My mom-heart is so happy my boy is marrying the love of his life.

Gus and I are ready to be the bows for Theo’s arrow. He’s been preparing us. Four years ago, our boy-man bought a condo and moved out. He calls me less. At times I miss the level of closeness we used to have, but with mother-love I rejoice he’s moving on to this next wonderful stage of his life. I’m grateful he’s brought Sarah into our family.  If she wasn’t becoming a daughter to us, I’d pick her as a friend.

Our son, our boy—is getting married!

Have you had similar feelings? I’d love to hear from you about your experiences and any wisdom you have to share.

Want some uplift? My book is available on Amazon.

Don’t Wait to Express Your Love

Do you sometimes hold back expressing your love waiting for the other person to say it first? Here’s a story to inspire you to be bold and say it now!

Several weeks ago, my husband Gus and I watched a segment on CBS Sunday Morning with author Trent Preszler. It was so touching we both teared up, and here I am writing about it. Preszler wrote a memoir, Little and Often, about the never expressed feelings between him and his dad, and its profound impact on his life.

The Impact of Unexpressed Love

Preszler describes his dad, a Viet Nam Vet and a former rodeo champion, as living a hardscrabble life in South Dakota. And the hardest thing about that was that his dad never once in his life said he loved him.

"I wanted him to say it so badly. And I felt like if I was the first one to say, 'I love you,' that somehow it would be worthless."

In his 20’s Preszler told his father he was gay. They were estranged for the next 10 years, till his dad was on his death bed dying of cancer. Even then, sitting by his hospital bed, no love was expressed by either of the Preszler men. He hoped his dad’s last words would be I love you, but they were, “Drive safely!”

Take a Risk and Express Your Heart

My dad was a little like Preszler’s dad. Growing up in the 30’s and 40’s, he was of the generation when men were expected to be strong, providers, and didn’t express their feelings. That was hard for me. My parents divorced when I was in college, and I longed for confirmation after he remarried that he still loved me. Though I would hug him at the end of each visit and tell him with sincerity “Love you, Dad,” his only response was, “Right.” That single word left me cold and feeling disconnected from him. I finally got my wish, about a year before he passed away at 89.

When my stepmother was disabled and couldn’t make the 10-hour train ride to visit us, my dad came on his own. He seemed freer and talked more openly during these visits. At night before he’d go up to bed, I’d hug him and say, “I love you so much, Dad.” The first couple of nights he’d respond with his usual, “Right.” One night I said, “What does right mean?” He laughed and said, “Love you too, Dear.“ Deep fulfillment flooded my chest. Finally, the words I’d longed to hear for so long!

It does feel risky and vulnerable when we express our feelings and are unsure of how the other will respond. But what’s the alternative? Keeping our love locked up for fear of rejection? Even when my dad, merely responded, “Right,” I felt empowered expressing my true feelings for him. Who have you been wanting to express your feelings to but have held back?

A Way to Get Started

Preszler says with deep regret “I wish I had told my dad I loved him and thanked him for all the lessons he taught me.”

Saying ‘I love you’ can begin with words of appreciation. There’s so much underlying the words ‘I love you.’ It’s all the qualities we value and admire in the other person. It’s the way they treat us and make us feel. It’s the support they give us. It’s how our life feels richer and blessed because they’re in it.

In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I show a myriad of ways to get in touch with your positive feelings towards others and then to express them.

The simplest way is to be specific and sincere. When we’re specific we give the person a word gift, something to hold onto that shows them how they’re valued and builds our bonds with them. Sincerity is of the heart. What comes from the heart reaches the heart.

Here’s what specific and sincere appreciating looks like: During my dad’s last visits, we sat on the white microfiber couch in my living room, and he’d talk about his favorite Broadway musical composers. I admired his passion for music and was so grateful for how it enriched my life. So I said:

“Dad, my life is so much richer because of all the music you’ve shared with me. I still sing verses from the musicals you played as I went to sleep as a kid. I so admire your passion for music. You inspire me to follow my own passions.” My words wove tiny threads of love between our hearts.

Make Expressing Your Heart a Lifestyle

Preszler ended his interview by saying, “I’ve learned extraordinary things can happen if we do little things every day.”

Make each day extraordinary by expressing your love and appreciation to your loved ones. Unleash your positive possibilities!

Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.