Reset, Rethink, Regather

For days I had called BJ’s to see if their shipment for Fiji water was in. I had made two trips for naught, and a manager kindly suggested I call rather than make another wasted trip.

“They’re in,” said Meghan. “How many cases would you like me to pull for you?”

“Three would be great. You’re a darling!” I effused.

In the store, with my three cases of precious alkaline water (recommended by the Ayurvedic practitioner helping me to heal digestive issues) I asked Meghan one more favor.

“Could you please find someone to help me put the Fiji water cases into my car.”

“Sure no problem. There he is. Anthony, please help this lady get her purchases to the car.”

What a delightful surprise I received at 8:45 AM.

“Good morning Miss! And how are you on this blessed day?” he asked. His whole face smiled, even though partially covered by his light blue paper mask.

“How beautiful it is to be greeted with such positivity so early in the morning!”

“Well, it’s TGIF and as long as I am here and can work it’s a great day.”

Wow, I thought, such a precious young man he is. I want to let him know that his good energy is a gift to others.

As we walked together to my car I asked, “Anthony, how did you get to become such a positive person?”

“Well it’s just my spirit I’d say.”

“Tell me more about the influences in your life,” (I was using my newly learned coaching skills.)

“Well. I had no father and was raised by my mother. She taught my brother and me that if we work hard and always be the best person we can be things will work out.”

“Tell me your visions for your life,” I say.  In our brief connection, I wanted to support this young man in fulfilling his dreams.

“My brother and I are starting small selling our own home cooked chicken. McDonald’s started small and look where they are now,” he said exuberantly. “When I get discouraged I just say to myself, RESET, RETHINK, REGATHER.”

“Wow! That’s such a positive phrase, tell me more.”

“I reset my mind on my dream, I rethink what I need to do to get there, and I regather my energy to keep moving forward.”

“Anthony what a positive mindset you have! With your vision and heart I can see you fulfilling your dream. For your help and inspiring tip, I’d love to give you a tip.”

We each left touched.

Anthony’s Tip in Action

I’m writing this blog with immediacy. Anthony’s mantra is a great way to refocus ourselves when our spirits are down. RESET, RETHINK, REGATHER.

I went home and wrote those 3 R’s on a notecard and pinned it on a drape by my writing desk to absorb into my psyche. A new tool for my mental toolbox.

Here’s a way I used Anthony’s 3 R’s a couple of days later.

Listening to a coaching video on YouTube, I learned that it’s best to differentiate a niche or specialty for the services you offer. That’s so tricky! My specialty is in helping others connect in their relationships more deeply, as I wrote about in my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. But as a friend pointed out, calling myself a relationship coach sounds like I’m a marital coach. Not the limitation I want. Darn! Unwanted adrenalin pumped in my stomach and my heart fluttered disturbingly. My trigger, an overwhelm response, kicked in, but….thanks to Anthony’s mantra I regathered myself.

Ok, Gail. Reset your thoughts on the big picture that you will be helping people with the wonderful coaching skills you’re learning. You can rethink your niche by doing research on the many coaching specialties there are and find what seems to be a good match with your skills and expertise.

Breathe in…breathe out.

Ahhhhh, I feel so much better. The pause to reset my attention on what mattered and what I could do, was just what I needed to regather my positive, forward moving energy.

Your Takeaways

• Being mindful of our emotions creates an opportunity for us to regather our energy and focus it positively.

• Having a mantra whether it be Anthony’s reset, rethink, regather or your own favorite, is a useful tool for shifting our mind frame and our emotions.

• Hanging a notecard with your mind-shifting mantra where you will see it often will help you internalize it so it’s right there in your thoughts when you need it.

Isn’t it exciting to recognize we have the power to manage our thoughts and feelings!

If you enjoyed this blog, my book The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, expands upon how to bring positivity to our relationships and life. It’s available at Amazon.

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Political Conversations and Friendship

When Ruth Bader Ginsburg suddenly died last week, I was heartbroken over the sad loss for our country. Ruth was the Supreme Court Justice who championed equal rights for women. And because of her women cannot be barred from any job they are qualified for on the basis of their gender. Huge! One of her dying hopes was that they would not replace her till the next president was elected.

But, immediately after she died, efforts were in motion by the present administration to do just that. I was deeply concerned. Being a country of such disparate values and beliefs, and so divided politically, I feel it’s extremely important to have a balance of liberals and conservatives on the Supreme Court to fairly represent our citizens.

With this concern weighing heavy on my heart, I shared a Facebook post I received encouraging my friends to call some crucial senators to block the appointment of a new Justice until the next president is elected. I was impassioned! I also didn’t consider the responses I would receive.

One friend replied, “I didn’t know a nominee was named. Are you jumping the gun? How do you know a fair and just individual wouldn’t be named? Is it because she was nominated by Trump?”

I responded explaining my point of view. And she replied again.

Uh,oh, I thought. I could feel cactus and rose thorns pricking the skin of our friendship.  She obviously felt just as strongly as I did about the issue. Pressing my pause button, some quick self-talk kicked in. Gail, DO NOT RESPOND. THIS DEBATE IS HEADING DOWNHILL FAST!  There’s one thing I know: there is no convincing or winning in a political conversation. So I gave myself a breather. I stepped away from the Facebook post.

What’s Most Important Here?

Throughout the day, on and off, images of my friend floated to the surface of my mind. What’s most important here?  I thought about our friendship. We’ve been friends for nearly twenty years. We’ve celebrated major life events together, had many heart-to-heart talks, and she’d even given me helpful feedback on my blog and how to expand my social media presence. Definitely. Her friendship was much more important than our political differences.

I went to bed pondering what to do next. If I just didn’t respond, it would leave each of us with a bad taste in our mouth. An awkwardness might linger. A phone call could get messy either avoiding the topic or opening it up again. A Facebook response was out.

I would just simply let her know how much I valued her.

I texted her bright and early: I value your friendship too much to get into political conversations.

She responded: Me too. Love you!!!

I felt light – like dancing!

Mindful Speech

I discovered my thought process has a name; mindful speech. Jack Kornfield, a leader of Buddhist mindfulness practices in the West (and a frequent inspiration to me) says:

“In mindful speaking we become aware of what is happening in us and how it affects others. ”

The key steps of mindful speaking are;

• Pause—when it feels what you are saying is feeling off or may have a negative impact

•   Consider—what might be the outcome of what I am about to

•   Ask Self—what is my deepest intention? What do I most hope these words might accomplish?

  I am so happy I was mindful in stopping our political wrangle. Can you relate? At this time in our nation, when we all have such strong and polarized political views, its so important to remember:

We will not change the views of people who have different political perspectives and priorites than us.

Why not consider the value of your relationship and let that guide your choices and speech in political conversations.

Wishing you well!

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

Mindfulness and Mindlessness in Our Relationships

Mindfulness has become a positive force in society. We usually think about it in relation to ourselves—how do I stay present-moment focused to experience a heightened appreciation of my life. But here’s an application of mindfulness that may give you even more pleasure. Have you ever considered being mindful in your relationships?

Too often most of us are mindless when it comes to listening and responding to others. I’m reading a book that’s making me think about this. It was recommended to me by my son, Theo’s girlfriend, and it’s knocking my socks off. It’s about an unnoticed communication skill that directly impacts our closeness and connection in relationships.

A Guide for Analyzing Your Attentiveness in Relationships

In The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships, marriage guru, John Gottman, talks about bids for another person’s attention. According to Gottman, “A bid can be a question, a look, a touch-any single expression that says, ‘I want to feel connected to you.’” To dive deeper, the question is, how do we respond when dear ones make a bid for our attention?  Gottman suggests that we will respond in one of three ways (only one of which is positive):

1.    Turn Away – Ignore another’s bid or act preoccupied. It can involve lack of eye contact, silence or looking away. (It makes me think of a friend who when I tell her a story about something happy I did, often has no response; silence. It makes me feel deflated.)

2.    Turn Against –React in an insensitive argumentative way, often with sarcasm or ridicule.

3.    Turn Toward –React in a responsive, positive way to another’s bids for emotional connection. It can include eye contact, asking questions, making comments in response to what was said, laughing at a joke, a head nod, a smile.

My Story

I really get this when I reflect on my changed behavior with my husband, Gus. Years back in our marriage, I was often stressed and harbored resentments toward him. If he’d crack a joke, I’d turn against him with a comment like, “That wasn’t funny,” and give him a look like he was embarrassing me. To this day when he talks about something authoritatively, I have to catch myself not to say, “How do you know that?” Many a time I’ve challenged him in front of our son, Theo or others, and I can see how I’m undermining him.

Gus used to turn away from me. If I said, “Honey I have to talk to you about something that happened at school today,” he’d be looking at the TV, instead of me. “You’re not listening to me,” I’d complain.

“I am. I’m just not looking at you.” I did not feel listened to and talked less to him.

It was only after we acknowledged our relationship had become like a desert, and both committed to putting the heart back into our relationship, that our emotional connection became mindful, attentive, and fulfilling again. (I talk about it in chapter one in my book, The Affirming Way of Life.)  I can see how much better our relationship has become because I see us mostly turning toward each other in our communication.

How about you? Which bids are you primarily using with your spouse/partner? Your child? A co-worker? A friend?

Gottman says, “When people consistently turn toward one another’s bid for connection, over time, they develop stable, long-lasting relationships rich in good feelings for one another.”

Your Takeaways

• Become a magnet for bids for your attention. Signs to look for: someone tells you a story, asks you for a small favor, makes a funny comment… turn toward them and respond with care and attention to the valuable people in your life.

• Turn toward others with an appropriate laugh to a joke, eye contact, verbal response, action (authentically, of course.)

• Observe the person’s facial, voice, and emotional response to your attention. Their comfort and delight will support you in making mindful responses  a habit.

Why not become mindful of others’ bids for your attention and care, and turn toward them today!