Offer Cookies

Who isn’t feeling all the negativity when you turn on the news these days. We’re angry, disgusted, disheartened and too often feeling it’s us vs them, whichever side of the aisle we’re on. But believe it or not, it’s in our hands to do something about that. In our own small way (which is bigger than we can imagine), we can be a stone that sends out ripples leading to waterfalls of change. Here’s a story from a friend to spark you.

Stop Kicking!

Jill and her eight-year-old granddaughter Abby were flying home from Texas after a happy and exhausting vacation with Abby’s cousins. Soon after they settled into their seats on the plane, Abby leaned over and said, “Grammy, the girl sitting behind me is kicking my seat and it’s uncomfortable.”

“Oh, be patient honey, I’m sure the girl is just getting comfortable and will stop any minute.”

“Grammy, she’s still kicking,” Abby complained at least three more times. So Jill did what any loving grandmother would do who also wanted a little peace on the flight—she intervened. Craning her head over the seat, Jill noticed that the little girl who was Abby’s age, was engaged in a workbook activity with her mom, while her own grandmother looked on. “Excuse me. I’m sure your little girl doesn’t realize it, but she’s kicking my granddaughter’s seat.” The mother glared icily chilling Jill to the bone.  

“Grammy she’s STILL kicking my seat.” Abby whined.

“Abby do you want to say something yourself?” So Abby got on her knees, looked over the seat and said, “Could you please just not kick my seat anymore?” With that the mother started yelling loud enough for the pilot to hear, “NO! She’s not kicking you and she’s not doing anything WRONG!”

The lady in the seat opposite Jill whispered over the aisle, “She must be from the other political party.” While Jill agreed, she felt bad about all the toxic, negative energy she was part of creating. She asked herself, what can I do here? She shifted her mind to look at the woman and the circumstances from a broader perspective. Jill thought, this mother and her daughter are probably just trying to get through the trip. I know the anxiety I cope with when flying, for the mother to react so strongly she must be anxious. I can see how much effort she’s put into making her daughter comfortable with the activities she’s brought for her. I want to do something to make peace…and then it came to her.

In her backpack was a package of chocolate chip cookies. Jill got out of her seat, and said to the mother, I have an extra pack of cookies for my granddaughter. Would your daughter like them?

“Thank you, that’s very nice,” said the mother, as her iciness began to thaw.  

The little girl’s grandmother responded immediately with apologetic gratitude. “This is my granddaughter’s first flight. It’s so hard for kids to sit still.” Turning to her granddaughter she asked, “Lisa would you like to share your coloring book with this lady’s granddaughter?” Without skipping a beat Lisa handed her coloring book to Abby through the space in between the seats.

“Thank you! That’s really nice.” Abby beamed.

“I shouldn’t have shouted. I was just trying so hard to make my daughter’s first plane ride a positive experience,” the mother explained more relaxed now.

“I totally understand,” Jill replied.

Tears ran down the cheeks of the woman across the aisle, she was so moved by what she witnessed, and Jill and the little girl’s mom chatted warmly for the rest of the trip. When Jill shared this story with me, I could see how her choice to focus on their commonalities not only made her happier and inspired, but it rippled good energy out to at least the five other people involved.  

Look for Connections

This is what we need to do with people on the other side of the political divide. If we can catch ourselves when we’re judging, hating, or retaliating in kind, and just pause… and look at the person from a broader perspective, as Jill did—we can find our common ground, and that’s the place I feel good about coming from. How about you?

Believe me, I swear at the TV and get all worked up about things going on in our country and the world, but when it comes to individuals, I am committed to the affirming way of life. My neighbor may have different political views than I have, but she loves her son passionately like I do mine, she is smart and I love talking to her about books, and she is committed to family just like me. I choose to see the good in her which shapes the way we relate.

Each morning I spiritually center myself by reading a lesson from The Course in Miracles. I love this: “The whole reality of our relationship with God, lies in our relationship with one another.” It reminds me how important the way I view and treat others is.

Your Takeaways

• Choose to be a force for good. Catch yourself when being a hater, and shift your perspective to see the good in the other person, especially now with the polarized political divide.

• Look for commonalities—our shared humanity, to nurture your connection with others.

•   Know that every instance, (as seemingly small as offering a cookie), that you focus on the good and what you have in common with others, shapes your life and the world!

Why not bridge the political divide and commit to being a force for good today!

Look With Eyes for the Spark of Beauty in Your Relationships

Shared life can distract us from seeing the shine that initially attracted us to the people we love.

I was sitting on the end of the dock, feet dangling over the edge, inhaling the beauty of the clear, rippling water. It was my last morning at my sister’s island, lake house. My heart filled with joy watching the sparks of sunlight dancing on the shimmering water. Diamonds. People are like that I thought. When we are attracted to the beauty in another, their qualities we admire—we see their sparkle, and glowing words flow from our lips.

But, life inevitably intervenes. Our friends, our spouse, our family disappoint us. They don’t live up to our expectations. They say things that hurt our feelings. They’re not there for us in ways we’d hoped for. Or we take them for granted, and their habits become annoying, or even boring.

I was that way with my husband. In The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I tell a story about how my husband, Gus’s sparkle overtime became dulled in my eyes. I saw what he didn’t do, what he wasn’t—rather than what he was.  My wakeup call came one evening when Gus said to me , “You always talk about how great the people you work with are, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

I began to think about why that was so. It started with our life pressures. We were both working full time, our son was having difficulties in school, we had financial pressures, extended family conflicts, and found very different ways to relax. I felt anxious and stressed and transferred my negative feelings onto him.

Our thoughts are like magnets. Whatever we focus on draws more of the same. One negative thought leads to another, and before we know it our brain is stuck on the negative south pole of the magnet and can’t seem to budge.

See the Good

How did I move my magnet north again? It was a process that took time like all changes we make in ourselves and our relationships. But a pivotal change in my thinking that moved my magnet, what I call a mindshift, started when I began looking for the good in Gus. He was 100% there for me. He would drop anything and everything if I needed his help. He was kind and easy going, happy with a dinner of scrambled eggs. And so handy. He could fix, put together, and problem-solve any household issue.  

I made a conscious effort to affirm him and express my appreciation when he did anything I found supportive. “Gus, thanks so much for putting air in my tires. I never would have noticed they were low. I so appreciate that you care about keeping me safe.” I was specific, sincere and spoke with a warm tone so he could feel my appreciation. And he did.

“Of course I can’t let anything happen to you!”

I made it a point to find something each day to appreciate or recognize him for, and the bonus was he began doing the same with me. Not only did it create a more loving flow between us, but I felt good focusing on the positive in him and in time I became like a metal detector with eyes for the good in him and most anyone I encountered. Psychologists Dr. Nadine Heitz and Dr. Zan Struebing from True Heights Consulting speak of this in A Burst of Beauty.

Now that Gus and I have been married for thirty years, I would say with his thinning hair he is even more beautiful and shines brighter in my eyes than when we began our life together. I now have eyes that appreciate all the goodness within him, the lasting devotion we share, the acceptance and understanding—I see his true beauty. And this appreciation can be developed in any relationship—with a child, sibling, friend, parent…

Your Takeaways

• Become aware of your inner magnet in your relationships. Is it pulling toward the south pole? Reflect on why that is and if the relationship is valuable to you.

• If the relationship is valuable, become a detector for the good in your person. You may even want to write down the things about your person you appreciate.

• Make a conscious effort to affirm your person daily or when you see or speak to them. Be specific, sincere, and warm in tone, and you will surely open the flow of  shared good energy.

 Why not see the good, speak the good, and spread the good now!

A Generosity Lesson

How often have you been utterly moved by the genius of a great work of art—a show, a movie, a sculpture, a dance performance, a book—and expressed your gratitude to the artist? The answer for most of us: rarely.

Recently, I had the exhilarating pleasure of attending a screening at Dartmouth College of one episode of Ken Burns’ latest documentary series, Country Music. (Ken is famous for his documentaries: The National Parks, Baseball, The Roosevelts, Jazz, The Civil War, The Vietnam War and others.) Though I’m not a country music lover, the opportunity to hear Ken speak was more than enough to thrill me.

The two-hour movie, explored the roots of country music through the biographies and performances of luminaries like Hank Williams and the Carter Family. The hardships these musicians endured, their sheer grit, and their influence was deeply moving. At the end of the movie Ken Burns, the writer, and the producer sat in chairs on stage to take questions. 

Mid-way through the Q and A’s, the man sitting behind me was called upon to speak. He said: “I would like to say to the three of you that you are literally an American treasure. You have unfolded the American experience in a way that is very, very unique and I never thought was possible. And I think, years from now when people are trying to define these specific periods in American history, they will go to your videos and find the answer there.”

Ken was visibly touched and answered thoughtfully. “Well, that is very kind of you. I hope to give something of value to my audiences. Our work lives because of gracious listeners like you. We tell our stories to connect with other human beings. Thank you.”

I was jumping out of my skin with delight at the exchange between that man (my friend, Jim) and Ken Burns. But why?

Recognizing A Person’s Contribution Lifts the Spirits of All

Jim’s words gave us all a gift. The exquisitely created documentary was brilliant, entertaining and highly informative. Jim generously and boldly put into words what most of us were feeling. His words palpably touched the heart of Ken. I saw it in his face, heard it in his warm tone of voice as he embraced the compliment, and felt how much he valued listeners appreciating his work.  And not just Ken was touched. I know, because as people were leaving, many came up to Jim to thank him for expressing what they were feeling. All the expressed gratitude in that auditorium just set my spirits soaring!

Pausing to appreciate the significance of a special moment that touches your heart and recognizing the person with affirming words, can raise the spirits of all present as if we were in a place of worship. It makes a moving, joyous experience complete.

Gratitude is Catchy

The next night my husband Gus and I were out to dinner with Jim and his wife Jeanne at a quirky Mexican restaurant in downtown, White River Junction, Vermont. It had the most unique décor (aqua tables, lime chairs, surf movies playing on screens in each corner of the room) and the nachos, grilled blackened watermelon, and mahi mahi tacos were the best I’d ever eaten. Inspired by the way Jim’s words completed the uplifting experience the night before, I decided to do the same.

“Can I please speak to the manager of the restaurant,” I asked our waitress. When he came to our table, I shared with him all my pleasure with the dining experience he created. He responded, “I am so happy you enjoyed your meal. It means so much to hear we’re doing a great job!” He walked away grinning widely and I’d say my tummy felt even happier sharing all the good feelings.

Your Takeaway

• Notice your pleasure and how you’re moved by experiences from a day with a friend, a delicious meal, an inspiring talk, a wonderful art exhibit—the list is endless.

• Be bold and generous and express your appreciation.

• Know that you’re elevating the experience for yourself, the recipient, and anyone else present.

Why not spread good energy in the world?