Relationships are Messy: Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness

““Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.””

— Hugh MacKay

My husband Gus and I just finished watching the Netflix series Last Tango in Halifax. The jumble of thoughts and good feelings I am left with inspire me to explore the messiness of relationships. Ooh, can they be messy!

The two main characters, Celia and Alan in their mid-seventies, are widowed childhood sweethearts who are reunited via Facebook after over fifty years thanks to the prompting of their grandchildren. It gets interesting when they marry and their very different and complex families are joined together. (Alan’s only daughter is a survivor of abuse and a sheep farmer, Celia’s is an Oxford-educated principal of a private school, recently out as a lesbian.) There’s a little of everything—unfaithfulness, homosexuality, interracial relationships, teenage pregnancy, past physical abuse, and alcoholism. All that messiness on top of differences of age, stages of life, wealth, personality styles, and politics. But here’s the thing, that’s merely the backdrop. What’s really intriguing is how all these relationships seem to work with moments of laughter and joy despite their issues and differences. 

Embrace Your Loved Ones

The glue, the magic that make all this possible—is that they embrace one another.

Ah, embrace. How do we embrace family, friends, our spouse, a partner, siblings, our children, or co-workers when we can be so different from one another and downright disagreeable at times?

I’m thinking of my husband Gus’s big (not fat) Greek family. Our backgrounds are polar opposite. I was the first non-Greek to come into their family which wasn’t easy. They came from a small Greek mountain village to Perth Amboy, I came from Brooklyn to the NJ suburbs. Some family members spout political beliefs that make me cringe, and I’ve received a number of insulting remarks over the years. But I come back. I go to every holiday gathering. Why? They are an extension of my husband. I embrace them as part of embracing Gus. I look beyond the harder parts to what’s good. I love being part of a huge family who cook amazing Greek food. They’re animated, jovial, and each sister in her own way has been kind and embracing of me. And here’s another piece: Gus has offered the same acceptance of my family. As wonderful as most of them are, there have been a couple who have been torture for him to deal with.

Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness

1.    Own your own imperfections. Yes. Remind yourself that whatever traits or behaviors you find annoying in family and friends, you have your own share. It’s become a mantra for me, if I comment on a negative trait in another, I follow with ‘and I know I’m not perfect either.’ (Thank God!) Acceptance of others is rooted in acceptance of ourselves. We’re all human.

2.    Focus on the good in others. It’s human nature to see what’s wrong and what’s missing with others. But we can make an intentional mindshift and focus on what’s good in the people in our life to bring so much more good energy to our relationships. Relationship expert, John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, says that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is a 5 to 1 balance between positive and negative interactions in the relationship. I find I feel better about the people in my life if I think about what I appreciate about them. And it makes it even better when I affirm them and let them know my good feelings.

3.    Admit when you’re wrong and make amends. We all screw up, say things we shouldn’t and wish we hadn’t. Own up to it when you do, it keeps the door open in your relationships.

4.    Create rituals to connect and be together. In Last Tango in Halifax what moved me was the way the families came together for dinners and celebrations despite their disagreements. For happy or sad occasions and holidays we get together with Gus’s family. I wouldn’t miss any of the gatherings. I’m there to let them know that I respect and care about them. Family/friends matter. Opening our hearts and minds to others has huge benefits. Being part of our messy relationships offers us the gifts of inclusion and connection. 

So many of us have felt isolated during the pandemic, when we couldn’t gather or hug our extended family and friends. Why not reach out and embrace your people, messiness and all!

Why not share the gift of The Affirming Way of Life as a summer read with some one you care about!

You are an Influence –Share Your Gifts

“You two have totally shaped the course of my life,” I said with deep awe. “I am so moved to be in the same room with both of you.”

That’s what I wish I said at a recent reunion with two extraordinary life-influencers. Actually I was enjoying the moment so much I didn’t even think to put my feelings in words.

 Selma, (now 91 and sharper than some 30 year olds), was my college professor. She was the only educator I can recall, that saw my talents and encouraged me. She introduced me to my school district (at the time, the most innovative child-centered around) where I would impact at least a thousand students and form most of my lifelong friendships.

Jamie (who I met through Selma) was the door-opener to my two careers. It was she who recommended me for the interview in that school district, where I would nurture the talents of my students for 38 years. And it was she, who when I was ready to publish my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, who generously guided and inspired me in my second career as a writer-publisher, speaker and coach.

How grateful I am for Selma and Jamie’s profound influence on the unfolding of my life. How about you. Who’s deeply affected your life for the better?

You are an Influence

We all influence and are influenced every day of our lives. Some influences are momentary, some last the day, and some last a lifetime. Influences can be positive or at times devastatingly destructive. But how often do we even think of how we influence?

Yet influence others we do. With our words, our actions, our habits, our ideas.

A smile, a helpful idea, a truly listening ear, encouragement, a ride to the doctor’s office, a kind affirming word…we influence.

I think of Mary Oliver’s beautiful last line of the poem, “The Summer’s Day” with influence in mind.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

To me, to be a positive influence is to make the most of our one precious life.

Here’s What Influence Looks Like

When I was writing my book, there was a time I felt like I was scaling a mountain and I didn’t have the stamina to keep going. That peak was way too far out of sight. But then unaware of my discouragement, my son, Theo says, “Mom, seeing your determination in fulfilling your goal, makes me believe I too can accomplish my goals.” Wow! Knowing I was his influence, no matter how much effort it took I had to publish my book. Mutual influence.

A letter I received from a parent at the end of a school year, confirmed I was fulfilling my mission as a teacher. Karen said, “You have seen Johnny’s uniqueness and talents and have helped him see them too. And the amazing thing about you is that you do that with every student. We are eternally grateful.” Her letter about my influence, inspired me at a time when I was having doubts. Hearing I was indeed making a difference made a difference to me and all the students whose lives I touched. Mutual influence.

The one positive person my brother-in-law had in his life growing up was his grandpa. Every weekend Gramps would take George fishing. When George married my sister, Gramps would rent a house on a lake for a family fishing week. Now George and Lois have their own lake house and boat. George’s joy and peace and happiest moments are at the lake, fishing with his own grandkids. Mutual Influence.

Share Your Gifts

Each of us has many gifts to share. Whatever they are they matter. My niece’s husband influenced by his dad, is big-hearted and handy building things. His gifts bring much joy to the family. A friend, committed to recovery for over 30 years, inspires countless others through his leadership in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I discovered my outstanding gift in an epiphany on my 50th birthday. I realized my best trait is that I look with eyes to see the best in others and generously tell them. I learned my gift from my mother’s example. Seeing the warm affect affirming has on each and every relationship, I wrote my book to share my gift far and wide.

Choosing to be a positive influence with our unique gifts gives our life meaning.

 We get to see that our life here on Earth matters.

Your Takeaways

• What talents or natural capabilities can you share to support others and be a positive influence?

• Become an influence observer. How are others impacting you? If it’s positive affirm them for it. How are you influencing others? Are you comfortable with your impact?

• Choose to be a positive influence with your closest people and everyone you come in contact with.

NOW MORE THAT EVER THE WORLD NEEDS YOUR POSITIVE INFLUENCE AND GOOD ENERGY. SPREAD THE GOOD!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.

If you enjoyed this blog, share with friends on social media and email. I appreciate your help spreading the good!

Political Conversations and Friendship

When Ruth Bader Ginsburg suddenly died last week, I was heartbroken over the sad loss for our country. Ruth was the Supreme Court Justice who championed equal rights for women. And because of her women cannot be barred from any job they are qualified for on the basis of their gender. Huge! One of her dying hopes was that they would not replace her till the next president was elected.

But, immediately after she died, efforts were in motion by the present administration to do just that. I was deeply concerned. Being a country of such disparate values and beliefs, and so divided politically, I feel it’s extremely important to have a balance of liberals and conservatives on the Supreme Court to fairly represent our citizens.

With this concern weighing heavy on my heart, I shared a Facebook post I received encouraging my friends to call some crucial senators to block the appointment of a new Justice until the next president is elected. I was impassioned! I also didn’t consider the responses I would receive.

One friend replied, “I didn’t know a nominee was named. Are you jumping the gun? How do you know a fair and just individual wouldn’t be named? Is it because she was nominated by Trump?”

I responded explaining my point of view. And she replied again.

Uh,oh, I thought. I could feel cactus and rose thorns pricking the skin of our friendship.  She obviously felt just as strongly as I did about the issue. Pressing my pause button, some quick self-talk kicked in. Gail, DO NOT RESPOND. THIS DEBATE IS HEADING DOWNHILL FAST!  There’s one thing I know: there is no convincing or winning in a political conversation. So I gave myself a breather. I stepped away from the Facebook post.

What’s Most Important Here?

Throughout the day, on and off, images of my friend floated to the surface of my mind. What’s most important here?  I thought about our friendship. We’ve been friends for nearly twenty years. We’ve celebrated major life events together, had many heart-to-heart talks, and she’d even given me helpful feedback on my blog and how to expand my social media presence. Definitely. Her friendship was much more important than our political differences.

I went to bed pondering what to do next. If I just didn’t respond, it would leave each of us with a bad taste in our mouth. An awkwardness might linger. A phone call could get messy either avoiding the topic or opening it up again. A Facebook response was out.

I would just simply let her know how much I valued her.

I texted her bright and early: I value your friendship too much to get into political conversations.

She responded: Me too. Love you!!!

I felt light – like dancing!

Mindful Speech

I discovered my thought process has a name; mindful speech. Jack Kornfield, a leader of Buddhist mindfulness practices in the West (and a frequent inspiration to me) says:

“In mindful speaking we become aware of what is happening in us and how it affects others. ”

The key steps of mindful speaking are;

• Pause—when it feels what you are saying is feeling off or may have a negative impact

•   Consider—what might be the outcome of what I am about to

•   Ask Self—what is my deepest intention? What do I most hope these words might accomplish?

  I am so happy I was mindful in stopping our political wrangle. Can you relate? At this time in our nation, when we all have such strong and polarized political views, its so important to remember:

We will not change the views of people who have different political perspectives and priorites than us.

Why not consider the value of your relationship and let that guide your choices and speech in political conversations.

Wishing you well!

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good